What to Know about Parenting on Shabbat

While I benefit significantly on an intellectual level from almost every book I’m sent to review, there are few that consistently have practical use. Rabbanit Alissa Thomas-Newborn’s Shabbat Guidebook for Parents: Halacha of Caring for Infants, Toddlers, and Children on Shabbat and Yom Tov (Urim, 2025) is one of those few.

Since the birth of my now 15 month old daughter, Ruth and I have found ourselves consulting the book on many occasions. This review, thus, comes not only from the perspective of a rabbi but also of a father who is part of its direct audience.

Rabbanit Thomas-Newborn points out in her introduction that while many resources are available to new parents, “one thing was significantly lacking: an easy, relatable, to-the-point guide for how to take care of our baby girl on the most important days of the year, namely Shabbat and Yom Tov.” This is important even for parents who are well-versed in the laws of Shabbat and Yom Tov for adults. As I myself learned on our very first Shabbat with Zeriza and have revisited consistently, young children quickly complicate such days in some of the most underappreciated of ways.

For example, a family may know that adults do not bathe on Shabbat, but what about newborns or messy toddlers on Shabbat? Similarly, you may know now to grind your food, but does that apply when you are feeding your little one? What about diaper changing — we may know not to squeeze liquid out of a cloth or sponge, but does that rule apply to wet wipes? Suddenly, a slew of new questions come cup! As a new mom, as a rabbanit with experience working in Orthodox shuls, and as a professional chaplain caring for families in hospital settings, I have personally been both the one to ask and the one to receive the questions from families with young children of all ages.

Rabbanit Thomas-Newborn points out that, in most cases, the halakhic transition into parenting goes one of three ways:

1. The new parents can just ignore the questions and do what is most convenient (which is far too common).

2. The new parents can feel despondent and afraid to ask, so they err on the side of stringency (which can lead to confusing and strict practices that are often unnecessary, discouraging, and even dangerous).

3. The new parents can spend time asking their clergy about each question that comes up along the way (which takes patience and commitment — essentially requiring new parents to learn the laws of Shabbat through a live question-and-answer process).

While many rabbonim no doubt advocate for the third model, which facilitates what is perceived as an ideal rabbi-layperson relationship (and, indeed, the Rabbanit stresses that “this new guidebook is not intended to be a survey of all of the laws of Shabbat and therefore will inevitably not be a comprehensive resource, so please consult your local rabbinic authority as additional questions arise”), we now also have a fourth option. “A new mom or dad can crack open this guide to look up something in the moment, get a practical and clear answer, and move on happily and quickly. Parents know that time is a privilege… Halacha is not meant to be an obstacle along the way. Rather, our spiritual experience on Shabbat and Yom Tov should support and invigorate new and ongoing parenthood, and vice versa.”

As Rabbanit Thomas-Newborn points out, the only available English resource like this prior was a 1950 book by Rabbi Wagschal, which was subsequently expanded and reprinted in the 70s and 90s. “Given the ever=changing twenty-first century technological reality and the dynamics of a modern home with two working parents,” it was clearly time for something new.

This review will focus on just two sections of the book. The first is Rabbanit Thomas-Newborn’s overview of relevant halakhic principles. She reminds her readers that “babies and young children fall into the category of choleh she’ein bo sakana… which means there are leniencies applied to provide even healthy children with comfort and care for their safety and well-being.” Using a shinui or the assistance of a non-Jew is emphasized and the most obvious example of why this book is needed today is the section about electricity:

Generally, we do not use electricity on Shabbat or Yom Tov, and there is significant halakhic debate (beyond the scope of this guidebook) as to whether the nature of the prohibition is biblical (the minority opinion) or rabbinic. Some say it is uvda di’chol (a weekday activity). In caring for infants, toddlers, and children who fall into the category of choleh she’ein bo sakana, there are circumstances that halachically permit the use of electricity, and depending on the details fo the case, it may be warranted to use a timer or shinui… Examples will be explained and referenced throughout this guidebook. In addition, I encourage you to consult your local rabbinic authority.

Electricity is indeed a hotly debated subject, and Rabbanit Thomas-Newborn goes to great lengths to allow different communities to determine what might or might not be acceptable on that front while pointing out that if electricity is only prohibited on such days rabbinically (or less) then there is significant room in utilizing it in various ways to benefit children in need. That young children are always considered cholim she’ain bo sakana is also something which many people “know” but needs to be reminded from time to time to prevent being too strict when needed.

This was something I didn’t fully understand myself until Zeriza was born.

The final chapter of the Shabbat Guidebook for Parents is titled “Taking Care of the Parents as Part of Taking Care of the Child.” In addition to covering topics like Nidda and post-partum depression, she also emphasized the need for general mental/spiritual wellness for parents:

A father once shared with me that Shabbat was the most dreaded day of the week. It was never-ending and full of stress. And coming off of a long week of work, he felt like he had no energy to be there for his kids, wife, and certainly not himself and God. This dread can characterize a lot of our parenting identities when our starting line is exhaustion. The wisdom of Shabbat is that it requires that we take a breath. It is okay for rest pre-parenthood to be different from rest as a parent. And it is okay to yearn for that freedom to stay up late Shabbat evening with friends. Or to just sleep past 7:30am! Even to take a midday Shabbat nap as an adult.

for Shabbat parents, the important questions to ask are: do we feel rested and rejuvenated on Shabbat? And if not, what do we need to fulfill this mitzva of truly resting and enjoying Shabbat? These questions when answered as a parenting team can be surprisingly powerful.

Everyone’s circumstances are different but asking the questions and brainstorming together with our significant other to create more space for rest on Shabbat is holy work. Just having that first conversation together is a big step. It may mean that Friday nights are always at home together, davening as a family, followed by early bedtime (including parents!). Or there can be a kavua (fixed) date night that comes after the kids go to sleep every Friday night. Parents can do some Shabbat evening Torah study together, start a shared book club for discussions on Friday nights, or just enjoy wine together and check in on how each person is feeling at the end of the week. On Shabbat morning, both parents can go to shul and utilize childcare when offered and be intentional to use that time to talk to God (and, let’s be honest, friends when appropriate). Some parents switch off going to shul, being mindful of fulfilling halachic obligations. In some households one parent stays home in the morning with the children, while other parents decide to have grandparents or a babysitter/nanny watch the kids on Shabbat afternoon in order to give both parents a full chunk of time to relax together (see Chapter 3 on hiring help on Shabbat). Others rotate playdates in the afternoons and with friends so that each week a different family gets to take some parental alone time. While some parents may find that davka having quiet time with their kids is most relaxing and beneficial for all members of the family.

Whatever works best for you, there is no judgment! These are just some ideas to help alleviate the stress that can contribute to a feeling between parents of anxiety, burnout, and even resentment on Shabbat and Yom tov. What is most important is that our identities as people and as parents are nurtured (just as we would want for our children).

It’s hard to add anything to that incredible framing, so I’ll simply share that my experience as a community rabbi as forced certain ways of doing things above that are not always ideal. For example, Shabbat dinner during the summer and into this time of year is always after bedtime since I have to beat shul, while lunches are full of guests since it’s the only meal we can consistently host that will not wake up the little one from her sleep. It’s something that we (as all parents) navigate and just being able to recognize where the experience occasionally falls short helps us to plan ahead better.

Before closing this review, I’ll make a quick note of the “religious politics” of the book. In his own review of the book, Rabbi Ysoscher Katz of Yeshivat Chovevei Torah laid out the following thesis:

As is well known, melatonin, which determines a person’s skin color, takes up a tiny fraction of a person’s DNA. And yet, every time we encounter new people, the first thing we notice is the color of their skin and, at least initially, we judge them accordingly. This means we decide everything we think about them based on seeing such a small part of them. Once we get to know them better, we of course realize how foolish we were. While it is pernicious, we know why it happens. We make snap decisions by interpreting the most apparent data in front of us. Only those who bother to dig deeper manage to discover the fullness of the person, at which point skin color becomes almost completely irrelevant.

That is also the story of Open Orthodoxy. The color of our skin, i.e., the parts people first encounter when hearing about us, are the progressive aspects of the community. “They encourage radical change in women’s roles within Orthodoxy, attempting to make room within Orthodoxy for the LGBTQ community, etc.” While all this is true–we do try to figure out ways for the halakhic community to be more egalitarian and more inclusive–it nevertheless is a very small part of what we do. Aside from the miniscule percentage of their time our students spend addressing the hot-button issues, the rest of the time they do what classical yeshiva students do. They rack their brains studying hilkhot Shabbat, crack their heads over a chiddush in the commentaries on Yoreh Deia, or try to decipher a debate between the Taz and the Bach in Even Haezer. And we do those things in the same manner the rest of the Torah world does them. We study the classical poskim; try to figure out what the halakha is on any given subject; and, like Jewish communities the world over, on some things we are machmir while on others we are meikil, depending on which side makes the winning argument.

And all this is attested to by Rabbanit Alissa’s book. As mentioned above, if one judges by the content alone, one could easily assume that this publication was written by someone within old-school Orthodoxy. And while this may be surprising to some, it shouldn’t be. The way graduates of Maharat or YCT live their halakhic lives is not that different from their Charedi counterparts. They live and breathe Shulchan Aruch and Mishna Berura, using the same tools the rest of the observant world uses to figure out the halakha and to determine ratzon Hashem.

Rabbi Katz’s point is an important one, but I actually don’t think it gives Rabbanit Thomas-Newborn enough credit. Yes, she relies on the same sources that most male Orthodox rabbis would. And yes, if her name was not on the title, one may well assume the book was written by one of them since only a few areas clearly point to a more liberal (as opposed to lenient — which it also is in predictable ways) hashkafic bent.

However, part of that makes the Shabbat Guidebook for Parents so notable is that it is one of, if not the, very first substantive halakhic compendiums written by any product of the world institutionally represented by YCT and Yeshivat Maharat. And it is likely one of the first halakhic works written by a woman that will find itself on the shelves of rabbis and halakhically observant parents across the religious spectrum. This is a book I have consulted almost every Shabbos since receiving it and it easily finds a spot on my shelves alongside Nishmat HaBayit, Peninei Halakhah, Igros Moshe, and the works of several YU roshei yeshiva.

As a loose continuation of my pieces on feminism within Orthodoxy, I’m personally deeply grateful that Zeriza will see a book frequently open on my desk that is written by someone she can hopefully come to see herself in, regardless of any of this. More Orthodox women writing about halakah so thoroughly is positive for the Jewish people and deserves incredible praise — both for the specific content and organization of the Shabbat Guidebook for Parents and as the final shattering of the glass ceiling within at least some segments of Orthodoxy that the book represents.

There are definitely identifiable areas that align more with one school of thought than others within Orthodoxy, which is to be expected, but overall it is a book that can be used as a starting point across that spectrum.

Having said that, let’s now bracket the political discussion. The book is written by a graduate of Maharat, which readers will interpret as either good or bad regardless of any opinion I or the OU add to the discourse. Shkoyach. It is also a genuinely good and profoundly practical book. It is a must-read for parents and soon-to-be parents at any point on the Orthodox spectrum. Is it a shame that no mainstream Orthodox rabbi endorsed the book aside from Rav Yoni Rosensweig? No doubt. Should that stop people, particularly my readers, from appreciating the work as the gift to Klal Yisrael that it is? I hope not!

With her Shabbat Guidebook for Parents, Rabbanit Alissa Thomas-Newborn has helped countless parents along our journey with our children. As both a father and a rabbi, I am grateful to know it will be on hand when (not if) I next need it.